Every half hour, Netmon speed-tests your internet connection, counts the devices on your local network, and reports to your Telegram or Discord with charts and a sarcastic AI-written verdict. Each cycle measures download, upload, ping, ISP, and test server with a single-connection test that mimics one real download, then scans the subnet to tally phones, laptops, and mystery gadgets. Results land in a local SQLite database, building the trend history behind every report. Every four hours you get the full picture: a 24-hour speed graph plus an AI analysis that notices the evening drop, counts the new devices, and names the likely bandwidth hog in plain language. Between reports, short status alerts keep you posted with a simple all-good or line-is-dying. The AI commentary can run on a cloud model or a local one through Ollama or LM Studio, graphs and alerts convert cleanly between Telegram formatting and Discord embeds, and the whole bot runs unattended as a background service. Running on a dedicated VPS on RepoCloud with guaranteed CPU, RAM, and SSD, full root SSH access, and a browser serial console. MIT licensed.